See my inserted comments here and also in your essay (attached)
But specifically here is what you must do:
1. Your intro was good as to the reasons for government. Keep that section.
2. Don’t spend so much time on Hobbes and Locke for the sake of leaving more room for more relevant details about the formation of the USA government and how it functions, and also how democracy came about, and how it works or don’t work.
3. So we need more flow or coherence in your essay.
4. This is what you must do. Look at these essays that I’ve attached; they are models. So structure yours more in conformity with these models.
5. Make sure you give a conclusion which briefly sums up your main points: why government including the US gov’t.
6. Here is an option also, let me send you two bulky essays. Read them. Choose any one that you prefer and reduce it to 1500 words and turn it in for a grade. If you choose LM essay, you can condense further The Bill of Rights provisions.
I will be sending off my own essay to be re written (Please let me know if my own essay wont open up properly I can resend in another form and The AM Model Essay I have attached is a classmates example of what my prof. wants my essay to look and sound more like.
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